I feel blessed. I am a mom. I am a wife. I am a daughter. I am Me. I’ve always been Katelyn. My last name may have changed and you may call me many things, a niece, a sister, an aunt, a sister in law, whatever the case may be I am me. It doesn’t matter how many things I may be or can be I have learned so much. The point is I feel grateful. My cousin called me today. Out of the blue. We haven’t spoken in years, probably since my grandmother died. I was grateful to hear such good things. I was grateful that she wanted to call me. I mean we haven’t spoken in so long. What is it that made her actually type in my phone number and hit send? How many people even family do you give your number to and say hey call me and they never do? I mean it happens every day. I gave her my number and she called and I answered. How cool is that. I am so blessed that I have family and friends who love m and support me so much. Sometimes I let the trivial things bother me and I guess that sometimes if you do don’t stop to “smell the roses” all you’re ever gonna smell is the shit.
So I have been working alot. At least that’s what it feels like. I feel like I am making the right steps into what I want as a career but with it comes guilt. The guilt that I am not there for Jules when she goes to bed at night. The sadness that I don’t give her her last bottle before bed. That I don’t cuddle her to sleep every single night. Plus when I am home I make the effort to play with her but sometimes I am just too tired. To make it worse Sam is making me feel even worse about it. Telling me I am addicted to work, to technology, to the internet, to my phone and my computer and my camera. Don’t get me wrong hes happy that I am happy but I wish the happiness didn’t come with a side of guilt. I knew I would feel guilty to some extent but the last thing I need after a weekend spent working is for my husband to say “sorry Jules mommy is too busy playing with her phone to care that you need a new diaper”….that just bites. Especially because its not true. The moment I walk in the door I am cleaning up the mess they made all weekend. I am getting stuff ready for Sam for work the next day and sorting Laundry and cleaning. I am a mom, not a play date! Do I attempt to work less? Do I ignore his cynicism? Do I take it with a grain of salt and make some sort of effort when it comes to putting my phone down. Should I stop blogging? I mean Writing this blog, whether not I post is what keeps me going. I need to get my stuff out. I need to write, even if I don’t post. Sam doesn’t get that. I get that everyone expresses themselves differently but its only been lately that my expressions of myself through my computer, my camera and writing have started to become an issue for him. I could go into more detail but its probably not appropriate to bitch about marital issues that really aren’t big issues at all. I love Sam. I am glad he brings these things to my attention so I make the effort to stop playing words with friends and twittering all the time. But hey….I also haven’t been watching tv at all since our big screen died so there is some give and take and tv is all he does all the time when he is home so come on give me some slack. There are issues behind all of this stuff with his job but we won’t know anything until the end of the week at the earliest. Sometimes though I just gotta tell you all that I am being a pain in the ass and I just am not perfect. Get over it!
I can’t really talk much about what is scaring me but there are a few things that have grabbed my attention and I am scared to death inside. Im scared of the change. I am scared of losing myself. I am scared of what the future holds. I know that nothing is set in stone and that the unknown is just that, unknown. But since Jules has been part of our lives I am a different person. I thought I would never feel like the old Katelyn again. I am starting to as I mentioned in my previoius post but that could all change. It could all change for the better or for worse. I am so happy right now, maybe happy is not the word, I am content. I was not in a comfort zone for so long after Jules was born with all the changes that happen in ones life after having a baby but now I have reached a point where I am finding me again and I am happy and things in my life have started to make me happy. I am so afraid all of that will change. I am scared that I will have to leave behind so much and so many that I love and care for. Im scared Im not going to be feeling happy for long. I am scared I will regress back to that insecure newbie of a mom. I know none of this makes sense to anyone who is reading this but I just need to get it this out. There is a huge potential for my life to dramatically change just as I got to a point where I am truely headed in a direction of happiness for me. I finally have a chance to do something for me for once and that may be ripped away as if I had no rights and no way stopping this change, no way of choosing how bad its going to be. I feel like a child again leaving my future decisions in the hands of others, my hands are tied and if I fight for me I may loose everything. Im stuck and Im scared and theres nothing anyone can do.
So its Tuesday. I need a plan. Im formulating a plan. I’ve reached a point where I feel on top of this being a parent thing and I would be able to embrace the life of working moms. Not that I don’t enjoy being here for my little girl all the time every day and every night I do, but there is so much more than the joys of mommy-hood. Many many disagree but I feel that you only get out of life what you put into it. I am feeling like a real person again. I am associating with real people and identifying with others common interests and personalities. I am not holding onto my past, I am embracing my future. I no longer have to tell people what I have done in order to feel like I have accomplished anything. I am actually okay with who I am and what I do. Being solely a mom not working at all for 18 months was totally fine but I struggled with the idea of having to go back to work. If we were rich, I am pretty sure I would have wanted to go back to work at some point anyway just because I enjoy the social aspect of working but then again if we were rich I would be able to pay a nanny to be by my side if I so desired so I can’t really play the what if game.
So now that I am okay with being back at work I am trying to set goals for myself. I don’t just want to be a retail specialist forever. I want to get back to management or a lead role at some point and I like being able to have people come to me for help on how to achieve their goals. I am probably over excited and ambitious about attaining these goals and the people I am working with may think I am crazy or ask way to many questions but that’s just who I am. I want to go somewhere with what I know not just ride the ride till its over and get off. I will say my goals are more work oriented and not family oriented even though my family will ultimately benefit from me going far with work. I am not trying to have another child soon. I am not trying to be an at home mom for ten years. Right now I am trying to make Katelyn happy which I can’t honestly say I have tried to do full strength for a really long time. I am a people pleaser and I’ve spent so much time and energy trying to make everyone else around me happy. Its time I make me happy. I have a goal. Now I am working towards achieving it and an effective time frame in which that goal could be achieved.
So I am sick. I don’t remember the last time I was sick even with a cold but if I had to guess I was still pregnant the last time a little bug crawled into my body causing me to feel like dog poo. Yup. Sore throat, sneezing, coughing, runny nose while also congested and my face is throbbing due to the swelling in my sinuses. I hate being sick. Its not the least bit cute or sexy. Life goes on and I can’t hide inside because my head feels like a balloon and my voice is sketchy to say the least. So of course I came down with this sickness the day after Christmas. I guess I should be counting my lucky stars that I was healthy enough to visit with my family on Christmas but of course this is me we are talking about and when I am sick, there is no looking on the bright side. I didn’t have to work Monday which is a really good thing because that day was the WORST. Not that I have started to feel any better but I am getting used to the being sick and therefore its not as horribly bad as it was the first day. I did however have to work the rest of the week and since I stay home with Jules during the day I am usually at work in the evening to night hours. I really love my new job though. It is a little weird getting used to being back at work but I’ve been pleasantly surprised just how much I am enjoying being around others, helping others and well expressing myself for who I am and not just someones mom or wife. Its nice. I’ve made some friends and connections that I didn’t expect and I cherish that. Finding people to lean on and confide in is rare for me and when I find a friend like that I consider that invaluable. But with all this working at night I am missing Jules bed time and how cute she is when Sam comes home at night and how excited she is to see daddy. There’s nothing like seeing your child’s eyes light up at the mention of your partner walking in the door. I mean I KNOW she loves her daddy and its just tear jerking to hear her squeal and jump and throw her arms up for daddy to pick her up. When I come home shes asleep so I never have experienced this welcome home. In some ways I’m jealous but not jealous of the goodbyes he has to say to her each morning as he leaves for work. So I guess you can’t win them all. I knew I would fall in love with Jules the moment I knew I was pregnant but I never could have imagined loving her more and more each day and that love just gets deeper and stronger and the more it does the more I don’t want to share her.
I mean I have friends and family that have children that are Jules age or younger and they are already pregnant with baby number two. I know everyone is different and not everything is planned but I just can’t imagine giving up this precious one on one time with my baby girl to have another newborn in the house. I mean don’t’ get me wrong I want more kids, just not yet, not soon either. I’m hoping Jules will be 5 or so before we have another child and I don’t care how much other people object to how “wrong” that spacing is. Its my body, my family, my choice you know and Sams too, but I’m SO in love with Jules, and we’re happy as a threesome, we are no where near ready to be four. So aside from being sick right now, even with my broken 46″ flat screen – which I’m still in shock over, I am so in love with so many parts of my life right now that I kinda just want to freeze these moments so I can stay in this happy bubble forever. I know life has all sorts of road bumps and right now I’m in a happy valley and I just want to stay there, even if it does mean cold meds and Puffs plus Lotion tissues.