I am not perfect, sorry didnt you know that?
So I have been working alot. At least that’s what it feels like. I feel like I am making the right steps into what I want as a career but with it comes guilt. The guilt that I am not there for Jules when she goes to bed at night. The sadness that I don’t give her her last bottle before bed. That I don’t cuddle her to sleep every single night. Plus when I am home I make the effort to play with her but sometimes I am just too tired. To make it worse Sam is making me feel even worse about it. Telling me I am addicted to work, to technology, to the internet, to my phone and my computer and my camera. Don’t get me wrong hes happy that I am happy but I wish the happiness didn’t come with a side of guilt. I knew I would feel guilty to some extent but the last thing I need after a weekend spent working is for my husband to say “sorry Jules mommy is too busy playing with her phone to care that you need a new diaper”….that just bites. Especially because its not true. The moment I walk in the door I am cleaning up the mess they made all weekend. I am getting stuff ready for Sam for work the next day and sorting Laundry and cleaning. I am a mom, not a play date! Do I attempt to work less? Do I ignore his cynicism? Do I take it with a grain of salt and make some sort of effort when it comes to putting my phone down. Should I stop blogging? I mean Writing this blog, whether not I post is what keeps me going. I need to get my stuff out. I need to write, even if I don’t post. Sam doesn’t get that. I get that everyone expresses themselves differently but its only been lately that my expressions of myself through my computer, my camera and writing have started to become an issue for him. I could go into more detail but its probably not appropriate to bitch about marital issues that really aren’t big issues at all. I love Sam. I am glad he brings these things to my attention so I make the effort to stop playing words with friends and twittering all the time. But hey….I also haven’t been watching tv at all since our big screen died so there is some give and take and tv is all he does all the time when he is home so come on give me some slack. There are issues behind all of this stuff with his job but we won’t know anything until the end of the week at the earliest. Sometimes though I just gotta tell you all that I am being a pain in the ass and I just am not perfect. Get over it!