So I had the worst day I’ve had in a long time. Nothing
super bad happened. Nobody died. No one I know got married. I
didn’t loose just anything, I lost Samsung. Tv stopped working and
had the audacity to do it while I was at work! I went thro o much
with that tv. I paid for it. Which some people can just up and buy
a new one but I earned the money to own it and I Loved it. Call me
shallow. Call me crazy. Call me whatever you want but don’t you
dare call me to talk about why no tv is good for me because you’re
a liar and I’ll hate u. On a better note aside from my lost
favorite pair of earrings and my DSLR nearly taking s plunge to
it’s death, on the same day my Samsung 46″ Flat Screen died, I
found a little slice of time to relax and not freak the fuck out.
I’ll do that tomorrow.
So its that time of year.
The time when Christmas cards are being sent out, Christmas music is playing on the radio and in every store you walk into, including the gas station. People all over are wearing earrings and bracelets that resemble decorations for the Christmas tree. People are wearing an over abundance of red and green together and right after Thanksgiving everywhere you go there is an ad about how much you can save on some big thing you might want to put under your tree this year. When I was a kid I loved Christmas. I guess I loved the routine. Knowing where I would be and who I would be with and probably what presents I was going to get.
Now I am an adult. I am a mom, I am a wife. I am worried. I am slightly worried about the petty stuff like not enough money to buy gifts for Jules. I am worried I can’t buy anything worthwhile for my husband. I am worried that my family is going to think I am ignorant because I didn’t send out Christmas cards. Well guess what I can’t afford it. Know what else I can’t afford. GAS IN MY CAR. Yeah thats right. GAS. I mean we can live comfortably but when it comes to the holidays and the extras, that ship sailed when the damn cat had to have surgery a few months ago. Not that I care that much. I just hate explaining WHY I didn’t buy my parents or my sister a Christmas gift. and THE guilt that comes with them giving me expensive ones, or throwing money at me as a gift, cause you know what I am going to do with that money? NOT buy myself something, I am going to pay my phone bill or put gas in my car with it, thanks for the gift. See how Scroogie I sound? Its awful! I suck big time. Thats not even the beginning. When it comes to the actual day of Christmas when we have to drive all over creation to visit with the five or so different sides of each family to make them all happy so they could “see” us on Christmas, THATS what kills me. Plus theres always the parent(my mom= the queen of guilt trips) that says ” i don’t want to put pressure on you to be here but we LOVE to see you that’s all “….gee thanks if that’s not pressure through guilt I don’t know what is. If it were up to me, I would have a party for everyone to come see me, and I don’t care if you all hate each other, if you all want to see me or Jules then don’t make me feel like a freaking countryside tourguide on fucking Christmas day. The last thing anyone wants on a holiday is to be stuck in the car, am I right or am a I right. If you didn’t get a Christmas card it just means I decided to put gas in my car instead. Suck it up.
So the last few days I have been seeing these tweets to our 16 year old selves, you know like trying to warn ourselves of something or boost our confidence and while some of these tweets are cute and funny some really made me think if I would change anything if I could talk to my 16 year old self today. 16 year olds are know it all, wanna be 18 year olds. At least I was. I had made a bargain with my parents when I was 15 going on 16 to go on an abroad trip with Chester County Voices Abroad to Holland and Belgium. The deal was putting off getting my drivers license the summer I turned 16 in order to go on the trip. This worked out well and I am SO GLAD I went on that trip, considering I did get my license eventually anyway. The year I was 16 though was definitely a turning point in my life. It was the last year that I never smoked a cigarette, it was the last year I had not yet been exposed to smoking pot, it was the last year that no one I knew was pressuring me to sneak alcohol, even though I didn’ t LIKE alcohol, ( I still don’t though I learned to mask the taste) The boyfriend I had when I was 16, I could have done better but my “first time” was when I was 16 and while that was probably too early, it was perfect and under the stars in late summer. I don’t regret that, I never have. What would I tell my 16 year old self? I don’t know, I don’t know if my 16 year old self would believe what happens to me me a couple years later. 17-18 is when shit hit the fan. Lots of that is too personal and detailed to go into but 16 was the last time I was innocent about everything in life. When I turned 17 that’s when peers started to expose the dirtier parts of life, drugs, more sex, rebellion, college applications. I turned 18 the summer before my senior year of high school and that is a whole other story but my 16 was boring and naive and all I wanted was to be 18. I have told myself a million times that I would never be 16 again if I had the chance, and I still feel that way. I had no power, no influence but I was having way more fun than I realized at the time. If I could say anything to my sixteen year old self I would say things like how cardio workouts on a daily basis are an important and hard thing to do and starting early will help when I have a baby 11 years later. My 16 year old self will probably ignore that advice. I would tell myself also to listen to my head and not my heart so much. There are so many more things that I would “warn” myself of, but at the same time all things mold us good and bad, so if I hadn’t had some of those bad experiences then maybe I wouldn’t have met my husband. Through some of those bad experiences I rose from the ashes with life long friends and valuable experiences that make me the person I am right now. As frustrating as it is to be me right now, I love who I am and I wouldn’t change that for anything. Maybe I would just tell my 16 year old self to save more money because the economy is going to tank. Other than that I would #tweetyour16yearoldself to spend more time with your grandmother because you’re going to get too busy to spend time with her right before shes diagnosed with cancer and 6mos to live. That may be one of my only regrets in life. That I didn’t spend more time with my grandma Elaine ( my mothers mom) She was my favorite and she would have LOVED Jules soooo much. I wish I had been there for her more in her final months. I wanted to name my daughter Alania after my grandmother but Sam and I agreed on Juliette Claire. If I have another girl though, she will definately be named after my Grandma Elaine, the most amazing woman I ever knew. That is what I would #tweetmy16yearoldself, you know, if my 16 year old self knew what twitter was.
I went to Catholic High School so today was a holiday which meant off from school when I was in school. This past weekend being Halloween weekend brought me back to the days where all I had to worry about was what my costume was going to be and what party to go to. Now my biggest concern this Halloween was how to make it to all the grandparents and great grandparents houses to have them visit with Juliette in her Lady Bug costume. We made it everywhere we intended to go and my husband got about 5 hours to himself on Football day of all days! My worries were getting Jules tights for her little legs so they wouldn’t be cold and getting shoes that matched. I originally bought her the black shoes trying to avoid the red ruby slipper click your heels to go home where is her little black dog in a basket comments but alas, red was the only color over the past month and a half that I was able to find in her size, so I caved and Red Sparkly Ruby Slippers it was.
Now that October is over we are on to the next holiday. Christmas,….oh wait Thanksgiving duh! We don’t really do Thanksgiving big much anymore. When we were kids we used to drive up to Vermont and visit with my Aunt Uncle and Cousin since they had very little time off ( being College professors) to make the 8 hour drive to PA and visit the rest of our family. Now that I am married I have family everywhere, and everyone wants to see my beautiful little girl. Holidays are not fun for me. To say the least. Lately though I am not concerned about the holidays I am hung up on the potential for a job. I applied for a job that I REALLY want. It would be perfect. A good job to start part time and graduate to full time with the ability to climb the ladder. This will work well for what we and I specifically want. I “could” get just any job but I really want to use my degree and not let it go to waste. I had one interview last week and I was called back for a second. The second interview was a group interview with one other girl. While I feel that BOTH interviews went very well, the other applicant ALREADY worked for the company before. She was had left because she moved. I will not elaborate until I know more but how do I compete with someone who already has all the knowledge and training she needs, all she needs now is a brush up training and that’s it! Despite this info I am still confident in my first impression interview and my resume is impressive. I have not lost hope, but I will be increasingly anxious until Wednesday which is when I should know by. Then on Wednesday I will either be very happy or very angry/disappointed/frustrated take your pick. So cross your fingers and hope for the best. I am.
I feel torn. I feel a bit different. I feel like I am going against strong odds. I want to work. But I really want to stay home with Jules. We need the money but I have a degree and I feel like it should go to use. I don’t want to resort to working even part time in a restaurant when I did that all through college. I want to do something and learn something and enjoy what I do especially if it means I have to be away from my precious little girl and it would only be weekends. Why be picky? Well if you know know me you know why but if you have to ask, you may not understand my explanation. I have so many things I love to do. Photography for one. I have been doing works in Photography on my own since I was in high school so over ten years now. I would LOVE to photograph weddings. Weddings happen on weekends and I am a sucker for two people in love and sharing that with close intimate friends and family. At one point I wanted to be a wedding planner, but then I failed miserably at having the motivation to have my own big wedding mostly due to the fact that I was pregnant when I did get married and when we renewed our vows I just didn’t seem to care about fancy dresses and flower girls and bands and photographers. I do however wish I had a better photographer. I asked my uncle to do the pictures because he has a great camera, little did I know he sucks at using it! How in the world would someone fail at using a dslr I don’t know. Not all the pictures were bad but other things came into play, like I wore a short dress as to not be formal and I hated that my legs looked porky. I am very senstive about my weight especially since I gained a whopping 70 lbs while pregnant nad have only managed to loose 30 of it. Mind you I want very underweight but none of that matters now. I am no longer that girl who lived in the 104 lb body, I am different and I am someone else now. I am still a daughter, a sister, a cousin, and niece, but now I’m not a girlfriend I am a wife and a mom and things I do and decisions I make matter, but I want to be more than that. I recently put in an application at the Apple Store. I am sure this is a long shot but I can’t imagine doing anything else at this point. I love their products, I love helping people and on my own I love my iphone and my ipods before that. What could be better than working in a store selling and promoting things I already do in my own private life. What is wrong that I haven’t already taken the initiative to get off my mom horse and split my time. I am afraid. I’ll say it again. I am afriad because this economy stinks. I was laid off when I was pregnant with Jules. I am 100% convinced that it was because I was pregnant but I have no way to prove it and trying to legally do something about it weeks before my first born was to arrive was pointless. So I am struggling. I send out part time and full time resumes to see what responses I get back and the ones who have contacted me are asking me to move to another location in the country which is not feesable because our sole income is my husband and his job is here. My husband is frustrated because he thinks I don’t feel the pressure of only one income and he is mistaken. I suffer from generalized anxiety and since Jules was born it hasn’t bothered me so I have been completely off medication for a very long time now. I am afraid. I am nervous. I wish I had something to take the edge off, which when I do have something to take the edge off….it usually would mean potentially failing a potential drug test. Judge all you want but alcohol causes severe migraines and working out only does so much. Its now been 6 years since I quit smoking and I couldn’t be more proud but I feel like my life is in limbo. I don’t know where to look for a job that would be suited for me, for weekends so that I can be with my baby girl Monday through Friday. I am very good at hiding my emotions and if I am having a bad day I would rather tweet about it and bitch moan and complain to internet friends than Real Life Friends to spare face to face embarrassment. I don’t want anyone to know my vulnerabilities, I don’t want people to pity me. I am not THAT weak. Plus I have tons of experience with besfriends letting me down, betraying me, lying to me and lets not forget the one that stole a boyfriend. While all that was in the past, I have a hard time making friends because I have a hard time trusting others. I don’t want future employers to see me as weak when I KNOW I am a strong woman who has overcome a very difficult and emotional past. I know I shouldn’t put all my eggs in one basket and knowing that I have decided anyway to follow up with another follow up call to the Apple Store. I know it would be hard to leave my baby girl for the couple of days a week for this job if I ever get it, I don’t know how full time working moms do it, and I admire them for their drive and strength. You must have so much more developed strength and drive that I have at this point. I know I have it in me somewhere to get over all my insecurities but I haven’t worked in two years and it makes me nervous, and nervous is an understatement. I just hope Gods plan is a good one because I would really appreciate that.
I have been so bad about posting this summer. I struggle with writing. I guess I am always afraid that I will write out my emotions as I have always done my whole life and something I admit in text will come back to bite me. There is nothing so relieving to me as writing out what I am feeling and I hesitate because I am honest in my writing which if read by the wrong person could be hurtful. So that is what I struggle with…bottled up everyone stays safe except for the fact I am a near mess when I don’t get things figured out. A couple of days ago my cousin called. I have mentioned her issues in previous posts before and I guess since I am still worried about her relationship with the older guy I am still writing about it. My sister and I have not always been close and while we are closer now than when we were living in the same house, I still found myself writing an email to her revealing my true brutally honest feelings about our cousins relationship and couldn’t bear to send it to her for fear that she would foward it to my cousin. And my cousin is just not ready to hear the truth. So here I am desperately worried about my cousin and I find myself unable to confide in my sister. Am I paranoid or what? Maybe this is why I am lacking in friends. I mean I am not your girl friend groupy. All my friends growing up were guys and now all my friends are usually my husbands friends or people I met through boyfriends. Not that I don’t love those people who I met along the way, I have just been deceived by girls so many times in my life that no offensive I just don’t trust the majority of you. There is a quality about a woman who had kids though, its like unspoken that once you have a child your selfish petty girlyiness is put aside for the greater good of the child. I like that. Anyway my aunt and uncle are going into the peace corps which is a very noble and selfless thing to do. They have been encouraging my cousin to get a job because um shes 20 and has never worked a freakin day in her life, which I don’t understand since I’ve been working since I was 15 but whatever. She ( my cuz) is pissed she has to work. She had a deal with my aunt and uncle that if she took a trimester off ( which she can do because she is ahead in her coursework) they would give her what they would spend on tuition. They broke the deal bc she wants to move in with her bf (who is ten years older than her) and pay his mortgage. Which I believe is the right thing to do, she doesn’t owe her boyfriend mortgage money what the hell is that! NOW that she has a job she wants to open a separate bank account behind her parents back and make it joint with her boyfriend. I shot down that idea. I want to tell her her boyfriend is taking advantage of her in small ways and it will affect her. She is at that point in life tho that if anyone tells her what she doesn’t want to hear she may push us away and she has already pushed EVERYONE away but me. So what do I do. Listen to the bull shit coming out of her mouth and sit back and watch whatever happens happen? Unfortunately I think that is the best call right now. I just wish she would value herself more. She deserves better than a guy who sexually uses her because she has not had kids and is “tight”. She doesn’t need to pay his mortgage or be his secretary or book his train tickets to visit her at college. He also has a son who he has NEVER taken responsibility for and is not allowed to go near. I am sure there are bad reasons for this and I am worried about my cousin. Still worried. Probably not going to stop. I just wish he would break up with her already so she could start the rest of her life.