Scared. To. Death.
I can’t really talk much about what is scaring me but there are a few things that have grabbed my attention and I am scared to death inside. Im scared of the change. I am scared of losing myself. I am scared of what the future holds. I know that nothing is set in stone and that the unknown is just that, unknown. But since Jules has been part of our lives I am a different person. I thought I would never feel like the old Katelyn again. I am starting to as I mentioned in my previoius post but that could all change. It could all change for the better or for worse. I am so happy right now, maybe happy is not the word, I am content. I was not in a comfort zone for so long after Jules was born with all the changes that happen in ones life after having a baby but now I have reached a point where I am finding me again and I am happy and things in my life have started to make me happy. I am so afraid all of that will change. I am scared that I will have to leave behind so much and so many that I love and care for. Im scared Im not going to be feeling happy for long. I am scared I will regress back to that insecure newbie of a mom. I know none of this makes sense to anyone who is reading this but I just need to get it this out. There is a huge potential for my life to dramatically change just as I got to a point where I am truely headed in a direction of happiness for me. I finally have a chance to do something for me for once and that may be ripped away as if I had no rights and no way stopping this change, no way of choosing how bad its going to be. I feel like a child again leaving my future decisions in the hands of others, my hands are tied and if I fight for me I may loose everything. Im stuck and Im scared and theres nothing anyone can do.