I feel torn. I feel a bit different. I feel like I am going against strong odds. I want to work. But I really want to stay home with Jules. We need the money but I have a degree and I feel like it should go to use. I don’t want to resort to working even part time in a restaurant when I did that all through college. I want to do something and learn something and enjoy what I do especially if it means I have to be away from my precious little girl and it would only be weekends. Why be picky? Well if you know know me you know why but if you have to ask, you may not understand my explanation. I have so many things I love to do. Photography for one. I have been doing works in Photography on my own since I was in high school so over ten years now. I would LOVE to photograph weddings. Weddings happen on weekends and I am a sucker for two people in love and sharing that with close intimate friends and family. At one point I wanted to be a wedding planner, but then I failed miserably at having the motivation to have my own big wedding mostly due to the fact that I was pregnant when I did get married and when we renewed our vows I just didn’t seem to care about fancy dresses and flower girls and bands and photographers. I do however wish I had a better photographer. I asked my uncle to do the pictures because he has a great camera, little did I know he sucks at using it! How in the world would someone fail at using a dslr I don’t know. Not all the pictures were bad but other things came into play, like I wore a short dress as to not be formal and I hated that my legs looked porky. I am very senstive about my weight especially since I gained a whopping 70 lbs while pregnant nad have only managed to loose 30 of it. Mind you I want very underweight but none of that matters now. I am no longer that girl who lived in the 104 lb body, I am different and I am someone else now. I am still a daughter, a sister, a cousin, and niece, but now I’m not a girlfriend I am a wife and a mom and things I do and decisions I make matter, but I want to be more than that. I recently put in an application at the Apple Store. I am sure this is a long shot but I can’t imagine doing anything else at this point. I love their products, I love helping people and on my own I love my iphone and my ipods before that. What could be better than working in a store selling and promoting things I already do in my own private life. What is wrong that I haven’t already taken the initiative to get off my mom horse and split my time. I am afraid. I’ll say it again. I am afriad because this economy stinks. I was laid off when I was pregnant with Jules. I am 100% convinced that it was because I was pregnant but I have no way to prove it and trying to legally do something about it weeks before my first born was to arrive was pointless. So I am struggling. I send out part time and full time resumes to see what responses I get back and the ones who have contacted me are asking me to move to another location in the country which is not feesable because our sole income is my husband and his job is here. My husband is frustrated because he thinks I don’t feel the pressure of only one income and he is mistaken. I suffer from generalized anxiety and since Jules was born it hasn’t bothered me so I have been completely off medication for a very long time now. I am afraid. I am nervous. I wish I had something to take the edge off, which when I do have something to take the edge off….it usually would mean potentially failing a potential drug test. Judge all you want but alcohol causes severe migraines and working out only does so much. Its now been 6 years since I quit smoking and I couldn’t be more proud but I feel like my life is in limbo. I don’t know where to look for a job that would be suited for me, for weekends so that I can be with my baby girl Monday through Friday. I am very good at hiding my emotions and if I am having a bad day I would rather tweet about it and bitch moan and complain to internet friends than Real Life Friends to spare face to face embarrassment. I don’t want anyone to know my vulnerabilities, I don’t want people to pity me. I am not THAT weak. Plus I have tons of experience with besfriends letting me down, betraying me, lying to me and lets not forget the one that stole a boyfriend. While all that was in the past, I have a hard time making friends because I have a hard time trusting others. I don’t want future employers to see me as weak when I KNOW I am a strong woman who has overcome a very difficult and emotional past. I know I shouldn’t put all my eggs in one basket and knowing that I have decided anyway to follow up with another follow up call to the Apple Store. I know it would be hard to leave my baby girl for the couple of days a week for this job if I ever get it, I don’t know how full time working moms do it, and I admire them for their drive and strength. You must have so much more developed strength and drive that I have at this point. I know I have it in me somewhere to get over all my insecurities but I haven’t worked in two years and it makes me nervous, and nervous is an understatement. I just hope Gods plan is a good one because I would really appreciate that.