I have been so bad about posting this summer. I struggle with writing. I guess I am always afraid that I will write out my emotions as I have always done my whole life and something I admit in text will come back to bite me. There is nothing so relieving to me as writing out what I am feeling and I hesitate because I am honest in my writing which if read by the wrong person could be hurtful. So that is what I struggle with…bottled up everyone stays safe except for the fact I am a near mess when I don’t get things figured out. A couple of days ago my cousin called. I have mentioned her issues in previous posts before and I guess since I am still worried about her relationship with the older guy I am still writing about it. My sister and I have not always been close and while we are closer now than when we were living in the same house, I still found myself writing an email to her revealing my true brutally honest feelings about our cousins relationship and couldn’t bear to send it to her for fear that she would foward it to my cousin. And my cousin is just not ready to hear the truth. So here I am desperately worried about my cousin and I find myself unable to confide in my sister. Am I paranoid or what? Maybe this is why I am lacking in friends. I mean I am not your girl friend groupy. All my friends growing up were guys and now all my friends are usually my husbands friends or people I met through boyfriends. Not that I don’t love those people who I met along the way, I have just been deceived by girls so many times in my life that no offensive I just don’t trust the majority of you. There is a quality about a woman who had kids though, its like unspoken that once you have a child your selfish petty girlyiness is put aside for the greater good of the child. I like that. Anyway my aunt and uncle are going into the peace corps which is a very noble and selfless thing to do. They have been encouraging my cousin to get a job because um shes 20 and has never worked a freakin day in her life, which I don’t understand since I’ve been working since I was 15 but whatever. She ( my cuz) is pissed she has to work. She had a deal with my aunt and uncle that if she took a trimester off ( which she can do because she is ahead in her coursework) they would give her what they would spend on tuition. They broke the deal bc she wants to move in with her bf (who is ten years older than her) and pay his mortgage. Which I believe is the right thing to do, she doesn’t owe her boyfriend mortgage money what the hell is that! NOW that she has a job she wants to open a separate bank account behind her parents back and make it joint with her boyfriend. I shot down that idea. I want to tell her her boyfriend is taking advantage of her in small ways and it will affect her. She is at that point in life tho that if anyone tells her what she doesn’t want to hear she may push us away and she has already pushed EVERYONE away but me. So what do I do. Listen to the bull shit coming out of her mouth and sit back and watch whatever happens happen? Unfortunately I think that is the best call right now. I just wish she would value herself more. She deserves better than a guy who sexually uses her because she has not had kids and is “tight”. She doesn’t need to pay his mortgage or be his secretary or book his train tickets to visit her at college. He also has a son who he has NEVER taken responsibility for and is not allowed to go near. I am sure there are bad reasons for this and I am worried about my cousin. Still worried. Probably not going to stop. I just wish he would break up with her already so she could start the rest of her life.