My skin is crawling
I am going out of my freaking head! My husband is away for the next few days for the first time since before Jules was born. No big big deal but yeah its a big deal. I didn’t think it would bother me at all. I mean I would LOVE to go back to Vegas, but I am no where near bikini shape. I can’t tolerate alcohol anymore and oh yeah, I have a baby! So I consented to his trip but since he left this morning, my heart just keeps beating a bit faster than usual. I have cleaned things that I have been putting off for months! I rearranged the baby furniture and I vacuumed even though Jules was screaming her head off because she hates the sound of the vacuum. Luckily there were lawn mowers being used outside the window and it didn’t bother her THAT much. I am emotional and teary and on edge.
I wrote the previous paragraph earlier today. Since I wrote it I realized that I am feeling similar to when I suffered from anxiety attacks. I haven’t had one since before I was pregnant with Jules. I was a little freaked out. I didn’t even recognize my completely irrational behavior. I broke out crying and tried to keep it in so that Juliette wouldn’t get upset. What I don’t understand is why… why after all this time do I freak out today? Sam and I have flown multiple times. I am not afraid of flying, and I am not afraid of loved ones flying. My dad is currently in Spain and I didn’t freak out when he left on his flight when the volcano was erupting. Sam is only going to Vegas. Hes not going to do anything really stupid and I know I have no reason to be concerned. I miss him. I hate feeling like this. I feel ashamed that I let myself panic like that. Nothing happened. He sent me a text saying he arrived safely and will call me soon. I want to tell him that today was great and I am excited for him to be on vacation like this. I don’t want to admit that I had anxiety issues today. I am afraid they will keep bothering me until Sam comes home, or worse they don’t stop. All I can say is that I am relieved the day is almost over.