Is this my life?
I spend my days making food for myself and my husband and entertaining our five month old. My daily routine has changed so much in the last few years. Three years ago I was living in a college town, living with my Sam in a ratty apartment while going to school full time and working 30-50 hours a week. Yeah big difference between 30 and 50 but hey I worked at a couple of different places too so it depends. The money I made went to rent and bills and the rest went to alcohol and other things to do to have fun with when in college. I never thought I would miss that, and I don’t really, not that much at all. Maybe just a smidge. I would dream about my future and how we would be happily married and have kids and I would never have to worry about school or jobs I didn’t like ever again. I mean I have a degree in two subjects there’s always going to be jobs. WRONG. HELLO…what world was I dreaming about? Not that I NEED a job right now. We are getting by, but its tough. I feel sad sometimes because I get to stay home with Jules while Sam does so much for us away from us. I know what I do is hard work too and it takes good parenting to know that but at the same time I can’t help think what it would be like if we were well off. You know with money to burn and a credit card that had an unlimited credit, that we could pay off. We could have a house and yard and a nanny so I could get my masters so that maybe just maybe I could have a semi part- time job or lifestyle that I wanted rather than needed. I don’t need any of those things and I feel so lucky to be with my daughter for everything that she does. I even have a hard time leaving her at my mother in laws house, which I have only done twice, no three times.I don’t need my own house, but I want one. I don’t need lots of money, but it doesn’t hurt. There are so many things that are more valuable than things that money can buy, like watching my daughter grow up and mental and physical health. My husband and my daughter and I are all healthy and I thank God for that. Even still I want to feel comfortable in my own skin and I don’t. Sometimes I fall asleep and go back to car rides to college campuses and arguments had at the house I grew up in. Sometimes I remember vacations and dreaming of what I would be doing when I was in my mid twenties. Sometimes I wake up and wonder is this my life?